7 Signs a Friendship is Bad for you
How to Know when a friendship no longer serves you
Friendship heartbreaks are real.
Yet, it does not get as much attention like sexual or romantic relationships do, in mainstream media, blogs and more.
Which is surprising, seeing as it is the first relationship most people encounter outside their family relations. Even more so, friendships are essential to who we are, who we become and who we want to be.
At 8 years old, I had probably read more magazine columns about how to keep my non-existent romantic relationship than anything remotely related to friendship advice.
So I have a newfound appreciation whenever I consume content that is centred around friendships, there are some tv shows like Sex Education and Insecure which I particularly love because of the reason.
I have broken up with friends and have had friends break up with me so having been on either side of the table, I know there is always something that triggers the decision and it is never really a one size fits all situation.
Sometimes it takes a series of events, moving to a new place, a big misunderstanding, at times it is a slow and painful process or a rash and abrupt decision. Whatever the case might be, the signs are usually always there.
friendships are essential to who we are, who we become and who we want to be.
Friendships are complicated, but no one ever prepares you for friendships as adults which even grows more complex the older you get.
So if a friendship no longer serves you does that make it toxic?
This is the reason I am using “friendship that does not serve you” instead of the more popular “toxic friendship” is because I do not think they are the same thing.
I believe that even if a friendship may no longer serve you, this does not make it toxic as there are many different reasons friendships fail and do not last. So have that in mind as we get into these signs below.
Signs of a friendship that no longer serves you
- Conflicting Values: Having mutual core values are connectors that make people bond easily and also understand each other better. People draw closer to people they share similar values and beliefs. When there is a change of values in one person this might be tough for the other person to reconcile and makes it difficult for the friendship to go further.
From my experience, I once had to let go of a friend because she started making some life choices that went against what I stand for. And even though I tried to understand them, it just made me uncomfortable and they were difficult to accept and still be a close friend to her.
2. Lack of Respect: Any friendship where disrespect is the norm is unhealthy and bad for you. This usually comes across as contempt, when your friend makes it commonplace to talk to you in a rude way both in private and in public.
Having mutual respect is the barest minimum you can offer any human being and once that is absent in friendship, please just pack your bags and leave. Nothing more to see there.
3. You have outgrown them: As humans, we are creatures of growth, it is part of the essence of human life. Unfortunately, you may not be able to grow at the same rate or pace as all your friends, even those you love dearly.
Outgrowing a friend tends to feel like you lose common ground with them, their way of thinking does not align with yours anymore and you start to feel like they can no longer add any value to your life. It also feels like you cannot understand each other anymore and have no common interests.
It is normal if the feeling comes with some form of guilt, but find peace knowing that life is full of different seasons, and some friends are only for a certain season and that is okay.
4. Avoidance of Difficult Conversations: Most people hate confrontations and would avoid it at any cost, but a good friendship takes a bad turn if you can no longer have tough conversations. Some examples of conversations that may be difficult to have are; pointing out the flaws of a friend’s behaviour or giving feedback about an unfavourable situation.
If you can no longer have some of these conversations without it turning to a blame game, leading to conflict or being met with defensiveness and/or disrespect. This is a big problem because friendship is about honesty and keeping it real with each other.
When you can no longer feel comfortable giving a friend constructive feedback or confronting them about an issue that upset you. Then it is a sign you need to re-evaluate the friendship you have with this person.
5. Nonreciprocal Effort: Whenever the effort being put in the friendship begins to feel heavily one-sided and uneven, this tends to set in many doubts. If you always feel unsure of where you stand in a friend’s life and their actions also speak to it. Then you should take it for what it is, even though it is a painful pill to swallow.
Remember actions speak louder than words, so if a friend constantly reassures you that you still mean a lot to them (with words only) but makes absolutely no effort (zero actions) to give you the same energy you do.
This is a sign you might want to slowly ease off, because if you keep giving and get nothing in return then resentment might start to set in. Resentment is a feeling that can breed negativity which is unhealthy.
6. Unequal Power Dynamics: Human relationships are complex, so realizing and accepting there are power dynamics in your friendship could be difficult and is often hard to see. Sometimes, the friend exerting power might even be unaware of this behaviour so it is always good to talk about it in-depth if you suspect there are any dynamics.
This power dynamic might be expressed in different manners and I would use an example to illustrate a type of unequal power dynamic I have seen in
some friendships.
Amy and Cara have been childhood friends. Amy comes from a wealthy family, whilst Cara comes from a poor one. For most of their lives, Amy has always found ways to support Cara financially and in other material ways.
As they get older, Cara is now able to support herself better but she would always feel indebted to Amy for all her care in the past and would tend to overcompensate by oftentimes doing things she may not want to do to please her. Amy becomes accustomed to this dynamic and begins to expect it as the norm so whenever Cara might decide to express her disinterest or correct Amy, she responds with emotional manipulation or similar tactics.
The main takeaway is any friendship where someone feels entitled to your actions or behaviour towards them then manipulates or imposes how they want you to act or behave, is not a good one.
7. Unable to Support and Accept your growth: Everybody changes and that is a fact that no one can control. Our bodies change, patterns change and life around us also changes. When you have been friends with someone for a long time there is a tendency to feel like you know everything about them and begin to underestimate or put them in this box of your ideas of them.
However, if you are going through changes and a friend is constantly finding ways to undermine your new growth, remind you of your past mistakes and worse of all does not acknowledge your effort at all. You would be doing yourself a disservice staying friends with this person because it might not end well for either of you.
Now that you know the signs of a friendship that no longer serves you I would highlight some qualities of a good friend and a healthy friendship you should look out for. If you are reading this, there are two things you try to do, think about some of your friendships that have ended and think about how much of good a friend you are in your close friendships.
According to Better Help, A friend is someone that you share close affection with. You share kindness, sympathy, empathy, compassion, common interests, common beliefs, loyalty, and fun with them.
So what are the qualities of a good friend?
- They are self-aware (or trying to be): As an adult, being self-aware is no longer an option but a priority and it simply means having conscious knowledge of one’s own character and feelings. Being self-aware would let you be the most honest version of yourself you can be. Honesty is an important quality of a good friend, if you can be honest with yourself, you would be able to be the same to the friends you love.
2. They are willing to nurture the friendship: For anything to grow, it needs care. A good friend is committed to putting in the work to ensure the friendship grows and is willing to keep working on it.
3. They are supportive and accept you: a good friend is your support system and is willing to be a sounding board when you are dealing with any struggles. They allow you to be vulnerable with them and you feel comfortable with them because you can be your truest self and know they will accept you as you are.
4. They value you: a good friend cherishes you and wants you in their life because you are invaluable to them. They respect your opinions, values and feelings wholeheartedly. A good friend is proud of you and proud to be friends with you.
What are some qualities of a healthy friendship?
- Trust and Accountability: The foundation of all healthy friendships should be based on trust which goes beyond keeping each other’s secrets, it is also about having similar moral principles that you both uphold and live by.
In a healthy friendship, keeping one another accountable is something that is not avoided or judged by either party. You both appreciate it when you are being held to the standards that you set for yourselves. When you are holding one another accountable it is always done in a compassionate and loving manner, not from a harsh or condescending place with spite.
2. Mutual Respect: Both parties respect each other in every sense of the word, even when there is an issue or you going through tough times. There is mutual respect in how you regard each other and in all your interactions. You see each other as equals and treat each other how you like to be treated.
3. Great Two-way Communication: Having great communication in any relationship is essential to it lasting long and it is not just about talking very often. It also means actively listening to each other and asking questions to understand better.
It involves being able to clearly communicate your feelings, expectations and needs in the friendship without the fear of being judged or misunderstood. You are both emotionally available. Communication is rarely ever one-sided because you are both interested in what the other person has to say or is experiencing.
4. It is Reciprocal: There is a mutual and equal exchange of energy and effort. You never feel like you are “doing too much” or always the one giving. There is a balance in how much is received and how much is given, and this comes naturally to both of you.
5. Commitment: Even when the going gets rough and life gets in the way of the friendship, there is a strong will to make it better. As well as a keen interest in understanding and learning more about each other as you both grow or change. You are willing to be there for each other through the lows and highs.
If you or anyone you know is struggling with closure from a friendship heartbreak, I would highly recommend writing a letter to the person or making a video to process your feelings.
I decided to write this article after I had written a letter in my journal to one of my first friends that broke my heart. She was someone that I was certain would be my friend forever but now, I am grateful that she let go of our friendship when she did.
Although, I never got any closure from her as to why our friendship ended. I believe I know it now. Writing that letter was my first step to closure and this article was the cherry on top.
Letting go of a friendship you cherish is always tough, there is usually no easy way around it. However, ending a friendship does not have to come with negativity or hate because you can decide to amicably part ways especially when it was a friendship with good memories. Being acquaintances is an option, as you would still have love and respect for each other but just from a distance.
Also, no matter how long you have known someone for, it is also perfectly fine to let go when the friendship no longer serves you. The quality of the friendship would always matter more than the duration of the friendship.
I hope this would have helped someone find some closure about their broken friendship. Please do let me know any signs you may have encountered from your own friendship heartbreaks as I would love to hear more about your experiences too.
